Tag Archive | Kristy Thomas

Snarking Nostalgic: The Baby-sitters Club #3 The Truth About Stacey

Thank god it’s a BSC week.  I need to get the taste of that horrible Sweet Valley book out of my mouth.  Say what you will about the BSC (and we can and will say plenty) at least there was never this horrible level of fat shaming and manipulation that we saw in SVH.

the truth about staceyThe Truth About Stacey

Ann M. Martin

Originally Published December 1986

After being super pregnant for two books, Mrs. Newton is about to pop.  Kristy, being the forward thinker that she is, assumes that Mrs. Newton has no plans for Jamie when she goes into labor.  Obviously, the baby will be born during sanctioned sitting hours so they can ride to the rescue.  Unfortunately, we don’t get to see the phone call where Kristy tells Mrs. Newton all of this because Janine bursts in, and is all a-tizzy.  This is out of character, but I think this is supposed to be an extension of her and Claudia’s bonding moment in book 2.  Janine found a flyer for the “The Baby-sitters Agency.” OH NOES! Their sitters are age 13 and up and can babysit MUCH later than the BSC girls can!

Kristy converts the BSC meeting to an EMERGENCY meeting (they have a lot of emergency meetings in these early books—If I recall that slows down pretty quickly-maybe because soon we have Dawn’s California zen attitude calming them down…or the reefer fumes coming off her hippie clothes do).

Who ARE these Baby-sitters Agency girls?

“Those two aren’t babysitters any more than I’m the Queen of France. … They have smart mouths, they sass the teachers, they hate school, they hang around at the mall. You know, that kind of kid.”

I’m impressed that Claudia managed to effectively slutshame them without ever actually mentioning boys. These are BAD GIRLS. You just know how this is going to go down.

Kristy calls the BSA, pretending to be a seventh grader named Candy Kane, who needs a sitter for her little brother Harry because she has a date with her boyfriend Winston Churchill. She’s offered three sitters, one of whom is a HIGH SCHOOL GIRL.  I’m dying of laughter over here.

 

bsc logo meme

Kristy is like the Don Corleone of Stoneybook. This second babysitting organization can’t be allowed to survive. After all there’s only like 10 families with kids (apparently) and the nearest town next to Stoneybrook is 20 miles away. Clearly, there isn’t enough business to go around.

Stacey goes home and feels depressed. To pass the time, she gives a lengthy exposition about the last year of her life. How her diabetes was discovered, what diabetes is, and how it wrecked her life.

Before diabetes, Stacey lived on the Upper West Side of NYC with a view of Central Park from her bedroom. I hate to bring realism into this, but her parents have to be millionaires for that to be true (especially as she also attended a private school—which is good for 30+K USD a year on its own). I think Martin just wanted to paint all of us the ideal NYC life—because she knows that just like Mary Anne, we’re all dreaming of living in NYC. I’d love to know what a real New Yorker thought of the huge disconnect between Stacey’s NYC life and real NYC life—or if they just shrugged it off because it’s fiction?

After the diagnosis (which came after several embarrassing things, including wetting the bed at a sleepover—which would absolutely be mortifying for a tweenager), her parents morph into psychotic helicopter parents. At first Stacey doesn’t necessarily manage the diabetes well, fainting at school and getting hospitalized a few times. They also don’t want anyone to know that Stacey has diabetes. The way they handle this makes me think they’d be best buddies with Elsa and Anna’s parents.

(watch all the way, including past the credits)

Stacey and her bff go from friends to enemies overnight. In part, obviously because Stacey has cut her out and is lying. Stacey was thrilled to move to CT and get a fresh start. Now she has friends because of the BSC and she’ll be damned if she loses them because of a competing babysitting agency. Which is incredibly flawed logic from the 35 year old perspective, but makes sense from a 12 year old.

The next day there is yet another emergency BSC meeting.  This is the first appearance of Kristy in the chair with the visor and clipboard that becomes iconic within the series.  However, Kristy is uncharacteristically hysterical and says they should do free housework, drop their rates and bring kid-kits to every appointment.  AND they will hire some older kids, too.  The only idea any of them like is the kid-kits (which also become iconic), but they reluctantly agree to bring in older kids.

Stacey babysits Charlotte Johanssen.  On the way to the playground, they stop at a candy store.  In what I think is a really wonderful and genuine moment, Stacey is tempted to buy some.  Her diabetes is new, after all, and she remembers candy vividly.  As they’re walking, they run into Liz Lewis who hands them a balloon advertising The Baby-sitters Agency.

balloonsevil incarnate

Kristy was worried.  She took the balloons as a personal insult.  It turned out that she’d run into Liz that afternoon herself.  Only Kristy had had the nerve to tell Liz who she was–president of the Baby-sitters Club, and therefore Liz’s number one rival.

Upon reading this, I hope against hope that Kristy is about to break out the Jets jackets and Liz the Sharks and that they’ll break into some kind of snazzy dance based gang fight.  JAZZ HANDS!

One day after school Kristy and Stacey go to Kristy’s house to find Jamie Newton eating cookies with Mrs. Thomas.  Mrs. Newton had a game plan!  Score one for responsible adults!  This of course leads to discussions about how long babies take to be born and what time each of the BSC girls were born.  We get the reminder that Mary Anne’s mom is dead dead dead.  Thus she can’t find out what time she was born because obviously her dad wouldn’t know?  (Luckily Mimi knows and tells her, circumventing her having a conversation with her father.)

Jamie feels a sense of camaraderie with Honest Toddler, and is pissed off that his parents have afflicted him with Infant Sibling Disease.  Kristy decides to throw him a big brother party and invite neighborhood kids.  We get our first appearance of Mallory Pike, who can’t seem to decide if she belongs with the little kids or the baby-sitters because she is destined to spend the series not fitting in with either.  Mrs. Newton calls during the festivities to tell them it’s a girl.  Jamie is not whelmed.

But it isn’t just the appearance of a baby sister that has Jamie Newton upset.

“Something else will be different.  There will be lots of changes.”

“What else will be different?” I asked.

“Kristy can’t baby-sit me anymore.”

“What do you mean?”  That cold feeling crept into my stomach again.

“Mommy called a girl and said ‘We need an older sitter for the new baby.'”

Look, I’m all for 13 year old sitters for my 2 and 5 year olds, but a newborn?  Nope, you’re going to have to be 17/18 at the very youngest and 22+ by preference.  How much you want to bet this entirely rational, responsible, good choice is going to blow up in Mrs. Newton’s face?  Any takers?

Stacey tells Kristy what Jamie had said.  Kristy narrows her eyes and says “this means war.”

this means war

At school they see the BSA girls handing out flyers and they snag one from a boy (because boys don’t babysit, duh).  Kristy calls a triple-emergency meeting at her house after school because it’s her day with David Michael.  For now–what if her mom turns traitor like Mrs. Newton?  It’s TOO RISKY to talk about things at school.  Kristy would make a great drug kingpin.  Queenpin.  Whatever.

Stacey’s parents are going to take her to go see some new holistic new-agey doctor who will cure her diabetes through nonsense.  She tries to tell her parents she thinks the idea is full of shit and gets a stonewall of “we’re your parents and we want what’s best for you.”  Stacey is rightfully skeptical of this, and asks Charlotte’s mom about this Dr. Barnes character and has her worst fears confirmed–Her idiot parents are taking her to a quack.

If the BSA is going to use flyers to advertise for new members, then the BSC members are going to wear sandwich boards to advertise for new members.  As they do, they learn that they are the only baby-sitters worth a damn in the town.  Everyone else watches tv and is horrified at interacting with children.  UGH, children.  Everyone but Kristy fails…but she has two new members.

That these two new members are pals of Liz?  No problem!  They had a falling out!  THIS IS NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL.

But before the next BSC meeting, the girls go over to visit the Newtons.  They all have presents for the baby and Jamie.  However, Kristy uses this as an excuse to call out Mrs. Newton for being a traitor.  Mrs. Newton gives a reasonable explanation for why this is her choice for now.  She’ll get hers.

At the BSC meeting, the two new girls get assigned jobs for that weekend.

what could possibly go wrong

Shocking news.  The new girls don’t show up to the meeting on Monday.  Kristy gets irate phone calls to ask why the hell the girls didn’t show up at their jobs.  Kristy decides to confront the girls at school the next day–and gets upset when they laugh in her face.  I never saw that coming.

A few days later Stacey sees Jamie Newton and he’s mopey.  His sitters neglect him and worse.

Jamie nodded.  “With a–a cigarette.”  He said “cigarette” as if it were a dirty word.  Neither of his parents is a smoker.

“Gosh,” I said.  “Anything else?”

“Sometimes they talk on the phone.  They talk longer than Mommy and Daddy do…Stacey?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s a boyfriend?”

Ann M. Martin left no bad babysitter stereotype untouched, did she?  There are NO sitters worth a damn in Stoneybrook except the BSC.  (And maybe Kathy, if she’s still watching David Michael two days a week…unless she turned traitor and joined the BSA?  This is never addressed.  I don’t know if we ever see Kathy again.)

Then Stacey babysits Charlotte and finds out that she’s been getting babysat by bad girls too.  Who only babysit her for the money!  Stacey is indignant at the idea, forgetting that she babysits in part to buy clothes.  With cuddles and kisses, apparently because stores don’t take money.  While Dr. Johanssen is a traitor who hires BSA girls, she does come through for Stacey with a letter for her parents.

What (Stacey) told us got the club ready for the final battle in the war against the Baby-sitters Agency (entry in BSC notebook by Mary Anne)

The BSC girls are walking home and find Jamie Newton on the sidewalk outside his house with no coat and no supervision.  The girls tell him to go back inside and only play in the fenced in backyard, and to wear his coat and mittens. See, I told you Mrs. Newton would get what was coming to her.

When Mrs. Newton comes home, they go over and tell her what happened.  They’re scared of being seen as tattletales, but are relieved when Mrs. Newton believes them.

“Mrs. Newton,” Kristy said suddenly, “I know you’ll want to call Cathy about this afternoon yourself, but could you let us talk to Liz and Michelle?  We have a score to settle with them.”

sharks and jetsLike this, PLEASE!!!!!

I’m so disappointed to tell you that there is no dance fighting.  The girls defeat the BSA with trivia.  What’s Jamie Newton’s favorite sandwich?  What’s Charlotte Johanssen’s favorite game?  What does it mean when Nina Marshall rubs her ears?  What is Nina allergic to?  SEE?  They’re better babysitters and now Liz knows it, too.

Stacey and her parents leave for New York.  Oh noes!  They’re going to stay with Laine’s family.  Stacey will have to face off against her frenemy.

Stace has to go to the witch doctor and get endless, expensive tests.  After a day of this, she sits her parents down and introduces them to reality.  She likes real doctors and has made her own appointment with the help of Dr. Johanssen.  Her parents agree to meet with him, who explains to them that Stacey already has good doctors and is doing a great job of managing her diabetes.  Her biggest problem is her parents (revisit the “How Frozen Should Have Ended” video above again).  At least they agree to back off.

Stacey, flush with triumph at taking control of her health issues confronts Laine.  Laine didn’t know what was going on, was upset at being blocked out, and when another kid suggested Stacey was contagious she believed him.  Stacey explains that she almost had to stay back and that the attention she was getting wasn’t exactly positive.  They make up and all is right with the world.

However, in obsessing over her relationship with Laine, Stacey never once talks to Claudia as a BFF.  This is particularly interesting as it is a HUGE plot point throughout the books that Stacey and Claudia are best friends.  This strikes me as weird.

Once back in Stoneybrook, Stacey learns that the parents have taken down the BSA.  Apparently they had this crazy idea of asking their kids about what the new sitters were like, and once they found out, they started calling one another.  Everyone, mark it on your calendar–this may be one of the only moments adults in Stoneybrook act like adults.

Screen Shot 2014-05-18 at 7.18.50 PMKristy decides to let them live since they’re no longer competing with HER.

I’m torn on this book.  The BSA/BSC war is hilarious.  The way that Stacey’s parents treat diabetes like HIV is just stupid.  However, the way that Stacey advocates for herself is really admirable, and I think that’s what a lot of people respond to.  On one hand, this article discusses this book as an important part of the author’s journey of acceptance with his own diabetes.  On the other, I asked my friend S, who is also a type 1 diabetic about the book and she said “However my vague recollection is of scary view of diabetes that would freak me out if I read it again now and based on those memories the girls won’t be reading them.”  You’ll have to decide for yourself.

Next week: Prom Dress by Lael Littke.

Snarking Nostalgic: The Baby-sitters Club #2 Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls

This week we’re going back to Stoneybrook!  Pull out your hidden junk food and pretend it’s Monday, Wednesday or Friday at 5:30 pm.

Screen Shot 2014-04-24 at 3.28.20 PMClaudia and the Phantom Phone Calls

by Ann M. Martin (not ghostwritten)

Published October 1986

Kirsten Dunst’s first job was modeling for the little blonde girl on this cover.  She says “I was a child actress/model.  I did it strictly for the money.” Given her enthusiasm, I’m guessing she has the cover framed and illuminated in the middle of her living room.

*****

Claudia wishes she could be in her room reading a mystery and eating candy, or dreaming about Trevor Sandbourne, or painting.  But no, she had to do her Math homework because her parents are facists.

At least Mimi is the one helping her and not Janine the NERD.

Mom has no accent (neither does my father, who also came to the United States as a small child) but Mimi has this pleasant, rolling accent that reminds me of a ship at sea.  And she is polite, polite, polite never speaking a harsh word.

Cultural sensitivity wasn’t really a thing in the 80’s, huh?

Mimi helps her with her homework, and sits for Claudia’s painting . They chat about the mystery book Claudia is reading and Halloween.

Claudia asks Mimi why she and Janine aren’t besties.  Mimi tells her that it’s because she’s a bitch who avoids and complains about her sister–except Mimi’s polite polite polite about it.  But that someday they’ll be friends.

Screen Shot 2014-04-27 at 10.47.08 PMI wouldn’t hold my breath.

Claudia calls Stacey.  Claudia is all swoony over Trevor, the poet.  Stacey is still gaga for Sam Thomas (Kristy’s older brother).   Boys are sooooooo dreamy.

The next day at schools the girls have a three page discussion about a boy named Alan Gray.  They go on at length about a trick Kristy played on him and how now he feels the need to bother her all the time.  So they’ll be hooking up by the end of the book.

Mary Anne is “flipping through the Stoneybrook News.”  Because seventh graders casually read the newspaper when hanging out with their pals.  She shrieks, and drops the paper.  OHMIGOD you guys–Phantom Phone Caller On Rampage In Mercer!  Mercer is the closest town to Stoneybrook!

“Well it’s still 20 miles away,” I said

Wait, what?   Are they surrounded by 20 miles of virgin forest?  It’s Stoneybrook, CT, not Storybrooke, Maine, FFS.

The Phantom Phone Caller calls the house to see if anyone answers.  If not, he goes and steals their jewelry.  He apparently doesn’t take anything else, so your diamond encrusted chairs are safe, millionaires.

Claudia gasps because a few nights ago, the phone rang and no one was on the line!

Screen Shot 2014-04-27 at 11.04.11 PMHe wants your handcuff earrings and key necklace, Claud

EMERGENCY BSC MEETING Y’ALL.

The girls decide that the best way to handle a suspicious situation is to stack cans in front of the door or window on the inside, so you’ll know if he’s entered the house

Then there is the elaborate phone message system

  • If you think he’s in the house CALL ANOTHER BABYSITTER and say “have you found my red ribbon?”
  • The other sitter will say “No, the blue one.”
  • If you know he’s in the house and your are in danger say “Now I’m in for it”
  • If you’re not sure there’s trouble say “That’s okay”

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-27 at 11.19.28 PMBEST.  PLAN.  EVER.

 

We can’t get too hung up on this whole Phantom Phone Caller/Home Invasion thing–The Halloween Hop is coming up.  Claudia wants Trevor to ask her.  But–sigh–he doesn’t even know she’s alive.  “Faithfully” by Journey swells in the background.

Chapter 5 is all about a sitting job at the Newton’s, but there’s no entry.  I don’t know why I care, but I do, and I thought you should all know.  Everything is going okay until Claudia sees lights going on and off in the house!  The phone rings, but stops before she can answer it!  Then there are footsteps!  Claud peeks through a convenient hole in the fence and looks straight into another eye!  OHMIGOD IT’S THE PHAN—Kristy.  It’s just Kristy.  Kristy was looking for them, and the lights going on and off were all her, going through the Newton’s house looking for Claud and Jamie.

Not to bash your ribbon strategy, ladies….but maybe you should add lock the front door to your list of burglar management strategies?

Another night Claud is babysitting at the Marshall’s.  She creeps herself out and calls Stacey.  They’re talking about the Halloween Hop and boys when…

I definitely heard footsteps in the garage.  “Stacey, Stacey,” I said urgently.  “Have you found my b-I mean, did you see my–Have you found my…my…”

“Your red ribbon?” whispered Stacey.

“Yes!” I gasped.

“Yes, I did.  I mean, no, I found–I…”

“Did you find my blue—Oh, no, Stacey, someone’s at the garage door.  I can hear the knob rattling!”

“I’m going to call the police.”

“Claudia?” called a deep voice.

It was all I could do not to shriek.  “He called my name!” I yelped to Stacey

“Claudia,” said the voice again, “we’ve misplaced the house keys.  Can you let us in, please?”

That red ribbon plan doesn’t seem to work well under pressure.  Also, between two adults who presumably used a car to go somewhere (since Stoneybrook is surrounded by 20 miles of forest), why don’t they have a house key?

GASP!  Just as Claudia is about to leave, the phone rings, but when Mrs. Marshall answers, there’s no one there!  Does Claudia mention The Phantom Phone Caller?  Of course not.

Screen Shot 2014-04-27 at 11.30.30 PMAt least this guy had the courtesy to talk to you before he committed a crime….

Kristy babysits Karen and Andrew.  Karen has new theories about Morbidda Destiny and her spooky spells.  At bedtime she insists Kristy read her new book “The Witch Next Door.”

Watson, I’m going to judge you for this.  If you’re trying to convince Karen that Mrs. Porter isn’t a witch, buying her a book called “The Witch Next Door,” isn’t going to help matters.

Watson’s house is huge (still waiting for the first time they call it a mansion), and Kristy is jumpy.  She gets a hang up call and then calls Claudia…but doesn’t even think about using the ribbon code.  She doesn’t remember it.  Ladies and gentlemen, your Founder and President.

Then there’s a tapping at the door!  IT’S MORBIDDA DESTINY!!!!!  Or, you know, Mrs. Porter, who is returning Boo Boo after the cat was eating a mouse on her porch.  Although Boo Boo’s so vicious that Mary Anne was explicitly warned not to touch him, he’s obediently sitting in Mrs. Porters arms.  Guys, Karen is on to something.  Mrs. Porter is a witch.

Screen Shot 2014-04-27 at 11.44.16 PM

“He bothers me just by living!  Alan Gray is so horrible whenever he’s around me, that he’s all I can think about.” —- Kristy

Stacey suggests that Kristy ask her hot older brother Sam for help with this whole Phantom Phone Caller thing.  Kristy retorts that she’d never ask him for help.  He’s girl-crazy!  I mean, my god, last week he took some green-tipped hair, lace gloves with the tips cut off Freshman to the movies!  It’s just not a BSC book without Kristy being thoughtless.

Stacey starts to cry because didn’t Sam like her? (Remember how he called Stacey a “foxy chick” and she called him a gorgeous hunk?)  Stacey, this is only the first of a zillion older men you’ll have your heart broken by.  Get used it to it.

Claudia moans that the dance is only four days away and Trevor hasn’t asked her to go.

“I think you should talk to him,” said Kristy.

“I think you should ask him to the dance,” said Stacey.

I gasped.  “No way!  This isn’t the Sadie Hawkins dance.  I can’t ask a boy to go with me.”

“In New York we did it all the time.”

“Well, this isn’t New York, this is little Stoneybrook.  And I am not asking Trevor Sandbourne to the Halloween Hop.

Stacey should take her own advice and ask Sam out.

Claudia should remember that second wave feminism brought about women CEO’s, astronauts, and the ability to ask a boy to a non-Sadie Hawkins dance.

Screen Shot 2014-04-28 at 12.04.46 AMMary Anne pouts as she’s reminded, yet again, that she doesn’t live in NEW YORK CITY.

Shit just got real, people.  The Kishi’s neighbors the Goldmans were just robbed!  Goldman because Martin was being ironic years before hipsters discovered irony.

Shocker, Mary Anne is suspended from baby-sitting.  Given that the robbery was right across the street, I’m surprised Mary Anne is allowed to go to school without her dad.

That night–in yet another babysitting job without an entry at the start of the chapter–Kristy and Claudia babysit for Jamie and his hellion cousins.  Same M.O. as book 1–the parents leave, and the cousins go nuts.  Kristy, being Kristy, puts two fingers in her mouth and gives an ear piercing whistle, which puts an end to the shenanigans.

Suddenly things get scary…not one, not two, but three phone calls without someone on the other end of the line.  Several bangs as trashcans are knocked over.  A shadow runs away from the house!

The girls thankfully skip the ribbon nonsense and call the police.  The cops show up and go looking for the intruder, and show up minutes later with Alan Gray.  Kristy has a lot to say about this.

“Alan Gray, you darn, sneaking rotten–“

….

“Alan, you are a rat!” she exploded.

They find out that every call without a person on the other end of the line at one of Kristy’s sitting jobs was Alan.  He knew where she was because he kept peeking at the BSC notebook.

“Son,” said Officer Stanton in a more kindly voice, “what did you want to ask her?”

….(he mumbles, baby sitting charges tell him to speak up…

“I wanted to know if you’d go to the Halloween Hop with me.”

If I were Kristy, my eyeballs would have fallen out of my head about then.  But Kristy just said, “Oh gosh is that all?  Of course I’ll go with you….Thanks.”

Screen Shot 2014-04-28 at 12.20.44 AMAlan Gray knows how to woo a woman

After the sitting job, Claudia is in her room eating junk food (because of course) when Janine knocks on her door.  She saw the police cruiser on her way home.  Claudia is touched by her concern, and they talk.  Janine hides candy, too!  Bonding moment!  I’m sure that this will make it all worthwhile when the Kishis have to have their home fogged to kill the ant infestation.

The next day at school, Claudia is approached by Trevor, who has gathered up his courage and asks her to the Halloween Hop.  He was behind all of the calls when Claudia was sitting because Alan told him where Claudia would be.  Martin wasn’t getting paid enough to give him a different plot.

Claudia, much like Kristy, is completely unfazed by the whole stalking thing.  She happily agrees to go to the dance with him.  I feel the urge to stage an intervention and explain healthy and unhealthy relationships to all four of them.

The Halloween Hop was terrific.  Now I know we’re in a fictional universe–no middle school dance is ever terrific.  Ever.

Claudia got an 86 on her math test!  Her parents are so proud that they skip explaining that a B is an Asian F.

The Phantom Phone Caller was found trying to rob a mansion in that town 20 miles away (10 books more and it would’ve been in Watson’s neighborhood).

Life is great.  Several babysitters have earned in the neighborhood of 15 dollars over two weeks worth of baby sitting, and they clink their diet sodas together.

Screen Shot 2014-04-28 at 12.31.26 AMTo attend the Alan Gray/Trevor Sandbourne School of Seduction call 555-2934

Advanced courses taught by Edward Cullen

Next Week–Sweet Valley High #4-Power Play (aka that one where the fat girl becomes thin and popular–I have a lot of FEELINGS about that book).

The Baby-sitters Club–Where are they now? Part 1

Once it became clear how many of us are nostalgic over the BSC, the “Where are they Now Conversation” was inevitable.  Pooja began it during a lively Whatsapp conversation that ended up lasting a half hour.  I then asked my Facebook friendslist and ended up with one of the longest threads I’ve ever achieved on fb.  There were so many ideas about where the BSC would be today that I’m saving some for another one of these posts!

Each “Where are they now” answer is credited to the brilliant woman who came up with it.

 

BSC Kristy WTF faceKristy Thomas

  • High maintenance soccer mom with a very devoted, quiet husband (Ange)
  • VVery slightly nicer Sue Sylvester after she realizes she actually hates kids. It allows her to combine her love of sports with a vendetta to repay ALL children for the years she spent as president if the BSC. She now disavows that she had anything to do with creating the club, maintaining it was all Mary Anne’s idea. (Me)
  • Comes out during her first year year at Sarah Lawrence.  She and her gender queer partner now raise sheep in Eugene, OR. (Pooja)

 Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.21.16 PMClaudia Kishi

  • NYC, part time barista and assistant at a ceramic painting store, trying to do “art” on the side, living with like six other people in bed-stuy (Johanna)
  • PPerformance artist.  Topic; Janine.  She plays bass in a hipster Greenpoint band called– ironically of course–Tiger Mom. (Pooja)
  • Studies really hard.  Attends NYU Stern school of Management and then Harvard Business. Becomes an analyst on Wall Street. When Occupy Wall Street happens, tries to convince everyone that this has been a twenty year long performance piece called Claudia Kishi, Corporate Clone ©  No one believes her.  (Me)
  • Fashion designer with a small boutique shop in town, but her main customers are teenage girls who always mistake the place for a thrift shop. (Paula)

 Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.27.17 PMStacey McGill

  • Failed model, string of husbands (Johanna)
  • After her latest divorce, is attempting a GOOP-like website (Amy)

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.30.37 PMMary Anne Spier

  • Sits in Times Square, staring at the lights and saying “I can’t believe I’m in New York City!” Stacey brings MA food and makes her wash/change every few days, on her way to work uptown. (Ange)
  • Stepford wife (Pooja)
  • So devastated by the break up with Logan that she decides to go on a backpacking trip through Europe and meets a handsome Italian man. With her support and marketing expertise, they create an Olive Oil Empire becoming one of the richest couples in the world. Maryann rarely speaks to anyone anymore including Dawn (Paula)

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.33.46 PMDawn Schafer

  • Living in a co-op growing and selling organic produce and clothes. (Ange)
  • Has a YouTube channel where she posts videos on how to live a California lifestyle (Amy)
  • Shocks everyone when she falls for a rancher and promptly starts eating steak. She is often heard to say “why didn’t you guys TELL me how good this tastes?” (Me)

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.36.32 PMMallory Pike

  • Owns several cats and moonlights as a mystery writer when she’s not looking for a job (Amy)
  • Runs five blogs and is attempting to monetize them. She is an au pair for a family in Fairfield, CT. (Ange)
  • Leaves the Mormon faith, and blogs her angst.  Also has an angsty tumblr (Pooja)
  • An Open Letter to Ann M. Martin from Mallory Pike (not only the letter, but the comments are gold)  Best quote from the letter ““I’m writing this note on a computer that’s encrusted with real diamonds. Claudia and Stacey never made earrings out of those, now did they? No. I didn’t think so.”

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.38.50 PMJessi Ramsey

 

  • Ballet teacher. (Amy)
  • Drama teacher at a school for the deaf. (Ange)
  • Moves to Paris for a bit. Modern day Josephine Baker (Pooja)
  • Stopped dancing after a photographer told her she could be a model. The modeling career never took off and she has taken over as a teacher in her old ballet school. (Paula)

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.40.47 PMLogan Bruno

  • Logan runs a honky-tonk bar in upstate New York. (Ange)
  • Moves back to Louisville, bless his heart (Pooja)
  • Breaks up with Mary Ann after they graduate high school and aces his way through college and med school eventually becoming a fertility specialist (he’s trying to help Kristy get pregnant right now!). (Paula)

Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.42.23 PMBart Taylor

  • Lives in Stoneybrook after returning to his parents’ place after college. He was a wannabe jock, never making any teams but being snarky and jealous of all of them. (Ange)
  • Heart broken.  He didn’t see it coming. (Pooja) [ ed… It–Kristy coming out]

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.44.48 PMKristy can’t be the only one who comes out later in life. Who else is on that list? (Pooja)

  • I don’t think it’s coming out in Kristy’s case– was she ever IN? (Amy)
  • Claudia is bi, but only because being straight is so bougie. (Me)
  • “If anyone else were bi it would be weird, but on Claudia the label looked cool. Because of her creamy perfect exotic Japanese skin.” (Amy)
  • Margo comes out, as does David Michael. (Amy)
  • Stacey came out in college. Typical Smithie? (Ange)
  • Jamie Newton came out in third grade. He and Andrew eventually got married and foster shih tzu rescue puppies. (Ange)

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.46.32 PMDeep philosophical question-which babysitter(s) slept with Logan in high school (or later) and why? (Me)

  • Stacey in a slutty prom dress rubbing up against the newly single Logan while Mary Anne stays at home listening to emo after their epic breakup fight. (Viveka)
  • Kristy did, to test whether she was straight or not. (She was, then went around through most of college with a major, hidden crush on him.) (Ange)

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-12 at 11.48.29 PMPaula has a detailed storyline about Mallory becoming a madam that deserves its own subsection here


Mallory started stripping “to pay for law school” and realizes there is money to be made in this kind of business. She and few girls from the club band together to start a high class escort service. After graduating and passing the bar she meets and marries a judge. He decides he should run for political office and uses Mal’s girls to gain secrets and blackmail material over potential political foes.

Dawn who now goes by Sasha, and Clare and MargoDawn is still a vegetarian and sells supplements as a cover for her income from being a call girlClaire and Margo work part-time for a catering company.

The triplets don’t know. But Adam suspects something after he saw a bank statement on Margo and Claire’s coffee table, that was stapled to a cancelled check from Congressman Powell.  Byron and Jordon are personal trainers who run a small gym. They actually share many of the same clients with their sisters, unbeknownst to them!

 

Want to share your opinions?  Leave them in comments, or email me at bequietmommysreading at gmail.

All the pictures of the BSC members highlighted today (sorry Abby–we outgrew the series before you showed up) are from the TV show or the movie.

 

Snarking Nostalgic: The Baby-sitters Club #1 Kristy’s Great Idea Chapters 13-15 (book complete)

I’ve uncovered a great deal of nostalgia for these books among my peers, so when I decided to start the blog, I was thrilled for the excuse to reread and snark them.  I snark with love, friends–I’m still a total fangirl.  So let’s drop what we’re doing, put on our nostalgia goggles, and pretend it’s Monday, Wednesday or Friday at 5:30pm.

Part 1–Chapters 1-3 can be found here

Part 2-Chapters 4-8 can be found here

Part 3-Chapters 9-12 can be found here

Screen Shot 2014-03-15 at 5.54.50 PMKristy’s Great Idea

by Ann M Martin (confirmed)

Chapter 13

Kristy has been condemned to a fate worse than death.  She is going to have to baby-sit Watson’s demon spawn kids because his ex-wife broke her ankle.  Her future husband is out of town, so Watson is going to go help her at the hospital and ensure she gets home safely.


Waston put his foot on the accelerator and vroomed us down the driveway.  I’ve never seen anyone in such a big hurry–and all over a broken ankle.  If Watson could have flown the car back to his house I think he would have.

Watson practically throws Kristy and the kids out of the car, shouting the bare bones rundown—feed them pbj, and if there’s an emergency to call Kristy’s mom.  I wonder if Mrs. Thomas has been getting to know Karen and Andrew at all, given that Watson is putting in major effort to get to know the Thomas kids?  No mention of Boo-Boo the hellcat.  I guess that means there won’t be a third runaway pet subplot?

I stood in Watson’s front yard and looked at Andrew and Karen.  Baby-sitting for them was the absolutely last thing I wanted to do.

I sighed heavily

Ugh, babysitting.  Amirite President of The Baby-sitters Club?

Karen tells Kristy that she wanted pop tarts for breakfast but her mom said no, even though her dad lets them have them and who knows what because Karen never shuts up or gets to the point.  I may have to put up with that from my own daughter, but I can skim over Karen’s babbling.

Karen ate a few bites of her sandwich, then suddenly looked at me very seriously, her brown eyes glistening.  “Is our Mommy all right?” she asked me.

Kristy is capable of being an asshat to Karen’s dad, but she can’t bring herself to be one to Karen.  So she reassures Karen, sharing the story of how she broke her ankle last summer.  Against her best efforts, and despite Karen’s nonstop babble, Kristy starts to warm to Karen.  Oh yeah, Andrew is in the room, too.

Then this happens…

“My daddy says he loves your mommy.”

“I guess,” I said uncomfortably.  I realized that Karen looked uncomfortable too.

“If they get married, your mommy will be my mommy.”

“Stepmommy, I mean stepmother.”  I corrected her.  “And guess what.  I’d be stepsister.  And yours, Andrew.”

“Yup,” said Andrew.

Karen thought for a while again. “I guess that would be okay,” she said at last.  And then, “Do you like being divorced, Kristy?”

“No particularly,” I said.

Karen confesses that she doesn’t want her mom to get remarried or her dad–that she just wants them to get together again.  Andrew starts crying (which I don’t entirely buy–three year old’s don’t really get stuff like that, and their memories are quite short–he likely doesn’t remember his parents ever being married, although I totally buy that Karen does).  Kristy distracts them with ice cream as a special “divorced kids’ treat.”

Karen and Kristy in particular bond (Andrew is wallpaper…he might as well not even be a character).  When Watson gets home, Karen says she’s okay if Kristy gets to be her stepsister.  Kristy feels shy (which is a nice moment for Kristy, and a bit of personal growth).  Andrew is napping so Kristy hangs out with Watson and Karen for an hour until he wakes up.  She finally ditches the angry tweenager vibe (at least for the moment).

That night Mrs. Thomas comes in and manages not to scream I TOLD YOU SO in Kristy’s face.  Kristy begins to ask the big questions–what will actually happen if her mom and Watson get married.

Apart from the small details, the second half of this chapter is a bit hard to snark because there’s genuine emotion and character development happening.  I’m sure that won’t last though…C’mon Martin, give us more secret diabetes and stereotypes.

Screen Shot 2014-03-23 at 10.48.54 PMfrom the graphic novel

Chapter 14

Great news, guys!  Mary Anne has convinced her dad to let her half her baby-sitting money!  VICTORY!  (West Wing geeks–bring her the finest muffins and bagels in all the land for she drinks from the key of glory).  Claudia has explained to her parents that she isn’t an Asian stereotype, and is willing to give up some tv time to let her grandmother help her with Math homework.  Too bad she can’t get Martin to understand that stereotypes are useless.  Kristy asks Stacey how New York was, and Stacey says it was FINE, OKAY?

“You know, the strangest thing happened on Saturday morning,” I said.  As usual, I couldn’t help it.  I was dying to say what I knew.  There would be no stopping me, despite the fact that Claudia was sending me an urgent telegram with her eyes.  Shut up, they were saying.  Don’t do this.  But it was too late, even though I knew I was going to cause problems.  Even though I knew Claudia still considered Mary Anne and me babies, and Stacey sophisticated, and therefore was going to protect Stacey and whatever she was up to.

“Mary Anne saw you come home with your parents on Saturday,” I said.  “How come you made your mom say you stayed in New York?”

Stacey shoots a death glare at Mary Anne and flips out, calling Kristy a baby.  BURN.  You’re from NYC–even if you are a private school kid you know how to curse her out in multiple languages.  Baby is the best you’ve got? Martin noted that Claudia thinks MA and K are babies not two paragraphs ago.  Someone get Martin a thesaurus–even use juvenile/infantile instead of baby if you’re not going to use dipstick, jerkface, or some other 80’s insult.

Claudia jumps to Stacey’s defense noting (correctly) that Kristy has no tact.  Mary Anne says nothing.  Kristy tells Stacey not to treat her like a little kid by lying to them.

 Claudia’s lovingly described outfits allow her to point out “you are a little kid–look at the way you’re dressed.”  Kristy is wearing a sweater with snowmen and snowflakes on it.

“Well you’ve got sheep barrettes in your hair,” I yelled.  “You think they’re adult?”

Ok, now I’m ready to throw down–we do NOT mock Claudia’s fashion.

Mary Anne tries to make peace and is yelled out, making her burst into tears.  She’s called a cry baby for it.  Oh my god, Anne–according to your author’s note, you used to be  teacher.  In what universe did you teach?  Baby, crybaby and mean is the worst you can conjure up?  My third graders had fouler mouths than these seventh graders.

In the midst of the BSC cage match, the phone rings.  They all try to answer it.  Somehow the mom on the other end still offers them a job….which GASP they’re all available for.  (WOW-Who saw that coming?)  The club looks like it’s about to fall apart when Kristy calls dibs since the club was her idea in the first place.  The meeting breaks up with enough of a chill in the room to inspire what future museum curator’s will refer to as Claudia Kishi’s “ice carving period.”  (I wonder if you can carve other barnyard barrettes out of ice?)

Kristy gets home, sure it will all just blow over.  After all, everyone knows she’s a loudmouth with no tact.

GASP!  In a totally unforeseen plot twist Mrs. Thomas and Watson are ENGAGED!  Mrs. Thomas is sporting serious bling–Kristy describes it as “the size of a boulder.”  Nice to know that Watson made up for being such a pussy in chapter 11.

Screen Shot 2014-03-23 at 11.09.16 PMFor the record, most of the graphic novel is free on amazon in the preview feature.  It’s hilariously bad.

Chapter 15

On Tuesday, Mary Anne and I avoided Claudia and Stacey in school until the very end of the day.  Then I screwed up the nerve to ask Claudia if she wanted to hold a Baby-sitters Club meeting the next day as usual.  She said it was all right with her.

Scene change to Kristy’s family going over to Watson’s for dinner that night.  There is no further explanation, or even dialogue to show us how icy Claud’s demeanor might still be.  Claudia is fine with a BSC meeting because…..Ann is contractually obligated to write three more books in the series at this point.

All six kids and Mrs. Thomas and Watson are having dinner to celebrate the engagement.  Karen is Karen–her mom Lisa and Mrs. Thomas are saints.  SAINTS.

Dinner was fun.  Watson made fondue. He set a pot full of hot, melty cheese in the middle of the table.  Then he gave everyone a long fork and a plate of pieces of French bread.  You were supposed to spear a piece of bread with your fork, dip it in the cheese, and eat it.  Watson made this rule that if your bread fell off your fork and landed in the cheese, you had to kiss the person on your right.

Guess who is sitting to Watson’s left?  New rule–No weird stepdaughter/stepfather moments like this–I’m going to call it the “Petals on the Wind” law.

Everyone starts making up silly rules.  But then Kristy drops some bread in the cheese.  Ruh-roh.  Kristy gives Watson a super fast kiss on the cheek (thus honoring the “Petals on the Wind law”), but feels guilty about it being so fast later (treading the line) and leaves him a note on his bathroom mirror apologizing for it being super weird and fast (and thus breaking the law–she was so close).  It’s just uncomfortable and bizarre and unnecessary.  I’m betting Ann M Martin was almost a big a fan of VC Andrews as I would be once I moved on from the BSC (when *I* was the same age as the BSC girls, for the record).

The next day, Mary Anne and I walked to Claudia’s house for the club meeting.  We went together, sort of as protection.  When we reached Claudia’s room, we found her talking to Stacey.  When we entered, the talking stopped.  Silence.

Mary Anne and I sat down.  I was determined not to be the first one to speak, since I felt I had already made an effort by asking whether we were going to hold a meeting that day.

At long last, Claudia said, “I’m sorry I was so mean yesterday.  I’m sorry I yelled.”  She was looking at Mary Anne but not at me.

This is one of the least believable makeups in literary history.  They make up for the same reason that Claudia agreed to have the meeting in the first place–because Martin has a four book contract.

They offer to get Stacey a salad from the pizza parlor so she won’t be left out during the pizza party.  THANK YOU.  Was that so fucking hard?

Stacey steels herself and confesses that she has a secret.  THANK GOD.

Kristy asks her if she’s anorexic (nope- that will be Jessi’s ballet classmate in book 61).  Shut up, Kristy–let’s get the big reveal over with.

Brace yourselves, y’all…

Screen Shot 2014-03-23 at 10.23.07 PM

Given the buildup, I thought we needed a big reveal here, too

Diabetes has been so traumatic that Stacey thinks it’s why they moved to Stoneybrook–instead of the Hail Mary Pass on her parent’s marriage that it actually was.  Stacey recounts being bullied because of her diabetes.  Her new BFF’s tell her that they love and accept her, but maybe she shouldn’t tell anyone at school, to which I can only….

Screen Shot 2014-04-06 at 2.20.28 AMCaptain Picard feels my pain

Sam knocks on the door to leave a snack outside.  Mrs. Thomas isn’t an asshole, and has left an apple for Stacey along with cookies for the other girls.  This is an example of what we call common courtesy, girls.

“Your brother’s so cute, Kristy,” said Stacey.

“I guess. For a boy.”

“No, really….Do you like any boys, Kristy?”

I made a face.

“What do–” Stacey started to say, but I held my finger to my lips.

“Shh!” I hissed.  “Do you hear that?”

“Something at the window.”

We made ourselves quiet.  We couldn’t hear a sound.

“I guess it’s nothing,” I said.

Let’s not wonder what it was—let’s tell scary stories that happened while babysitting instead of checking the yard for a zombie or a serial killer.

I know what that sound was–it was the sound of foreshadowing for book 2.

Kristy feels all warm and fuzzy and hopes the BSC will be around for a long time.  Don’t worry, Kristin Amanda Thomas—Ann M. Martin is going to ride that cash cow and all associated cash cows into the ground.

Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 12.00.04 AMThere were apparently not one, but TWO BSC board games.  I have SO MUCH ebay shopping to do….

So fellow BSC fans, that’s book one.  Shall I do the next book?  Or an episode of the TV show.  Or how about the movie?  Any other non BSC snarking nostalgic requests?

 

Snarking Nostalgic: The Baby-sitters Club #1-Kristy’s Great Idea Chapters 4-8

I’ve uncovered a great deal of nostalgia for these books among my peers, so when I decided to start the blog, I was thrilled for the excuse to reread and snark them.  I snark with love, friends–I’m still a total fangirl.  So let’s drop what we’re doing, put on our nostalgia goggles, and pretend it’s Monday, Wednesday or Friday at 5:30pm.

Snarking Nostaligic: The Baby-sitters Club #1-Kristy’s Great Idea Chapters 1-3 can be read here.

Screen Shot 2014-03-15 at 5.54.50 PMKristy’s Great Idea

Original Publication Date-August 1986

Written by Ann M. Martin (we know she wrote the first 36)

Chapter 4 (aka the longest chapter EVER)

The next day at 5:30 Claudia (baggy yellow and checked mark shirt, black pants, red jazz shoes, bracelet that looked like it was made of telephone cord, dangling skeleton earrings) answers the door.  Kristy seems relieved notices Claud isn’t wearing makeup.  Claudia blamed her strict ASIAN STEREOTYPE parents.  Claudia then teaches us all the secret to getting away with daring fashion choices like skeleton earrings…

I didn’t put those on until I got to school.

A generation of girls learns to smuggle contraband fashion to school.  THANKS CLAUDIA!

Claudia tells Kristy that Stacey is upstairs, but first they’ll have to go by Janine’s room.  NERD is home and has her door open.  There’s no escape!  Janine lectures K about misusing the word “hopefully.”  See–NERD.

“I really cannot take much of Janine.”–Kristy (of course)

This is why NERDS have no friends, Janine.  No one will love you if you’re too smart.  Maybe all those gender gap studies should’ve considered the BSC as a reason why so few of us grew up to take AP Calc in high school?

Kristy and Claudia escape the Vocabulary Police’s clutches and are about to open the door and unveil Stacey (from NEW YORK CITY) when the door bell rings.  Kristy runs down to get Mary Anne (warning her about Janine).  K and MA are “careful not to look at Janine as we ran by her open door” because if Janine makes eye contact your IQ will go up 10 points.  Seriously–as an adult I feel for Janine who only exists to embody all the ASIAN STEREOTYPES that Claudia falls short of.

Finally we meet Stacey and her outfit (pink sweatshirt with a picture of a parrot and sequins on the front, skinny jeans with zippers on the sides of the legs, pink jelly shoes and she’s blonde).  Kristy notes that she’s wearing jeans, sneakers and a blue hairband, but doesn’t mention a top.  Mary Anne is wearing a skirt, saddle shoes and is sporting (natch) braids, but is also apparently topless.

Uncomfortable silence until Kristy starts ask Stacey about her baby-sitting history.

Stacey told us she baby-sat in her building in NEW YORK CITY which has over 200 apartments.  Mary Anne gapes at the idea of such size and grandeur while Singaporean children reading the book are less than whelmed.  Stacey can stay out until 10 O’clock.  She’s just so damn sophisticated.

Mary Anne begins her interrogation, asking why Stacey left NEW YORK CITY.  Because 12 year olds clearly get to dictate where they live.  Stacey says her dad recently changed jobs and then changes the subject to Claudia’s bitchin’ wall posters.  Claudia tells us she painted them herself because of course she did.

Little miss braids can’t take a hint and tells us that if she lived in NEW YORK CITY she’d never leave it for anything.  She seems to believe that if your parents leave, all you have to do in NYC to survive is go down to the playground where Mr. Drummond will show up and adopt you.  Everybody sing–Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum…

Mary Anne pleads with Stacey to tell her more so she can live vicariously through her.   Stacey proceeds to tell us that she went to a private school without uniforms (At which point every New Yorker laughs.  The uniform is how we know if you’re at some pretender private school that only feeds to non-Ivies or if you’re at a REAL private school that requires you to commit hara kiri if you don’t get into Harvard.)  Stace has taken the subway and taxis by herself!!  Mary Anne’s mouth is hanging open and Stacey is starting to wonder exactly how she ended up here.  To be fair, if you’ve seen pictures of Times Square pre-Disneyfication, this is perhaps a bit more impressive.

Kristy hasn’t heard the sound of her own voice in at least 5 minutes so she cuts Stacey off.  Stacey interrupts right back to ask if she’s in or if she should go back to bedazzling her sweatshirts.  Claudia wants Stacey in the club because someone else in this club needs to be wearing a bra.  Mary Anne wants her in because NEW YORK CITY.

Kristy shrugs and says sure, whatever.  Who cares who joins this totally professional baby-sitting club?

Claudia pulls out celebratory junk food, which everyone but Stacey partakes of.  The other girls apply peer pressure because what freak of nature doesn’t like junk food?  Stacey claims she’s dieting.  The girls all channel their inner grandma and tell S she’s too thin and should eat, eat.  It’s almost like she has a SECRET  (This will make you want to scream by the end of the book)

Mary Anne’s Dad calls the house and demands she return home from across the street because it’s six ten.  Now we all get why Mary Anne has vapors at the idea of a 10pm curfew.

We get a paragraph about lunch the next day and how Stacey and Claudia sit at the cool table at lunch.  Well, of course they do.  Have you looked at yourselves, Kristy and Mary Anne?  Where are your bras?  Your earrings?  Between the two of you, do own anything with fringe or sequins?  If this were set in the 90’s instead of the 80’s, this is the moment Cher Horowitz would’ve swooped in and given them a makeover montage.

Dudes–There are even boys at the table!  Stacey and Claudia, don’t you know that’s how you’ll get an STD cooties?

The four girls meet up outside and go someplace quiet, where the popular kids won’t see Stacey and Claudia hanging out with their social inferiors.  Kristy says they need to advertise.  Claudia’s truly truly truly outrageous red felt hat agrees with Kristy.  Kristy opens a major plot hole by asking Mary Anne if her dad will let her ride her bike around help hang up the flyers, and Mary Anne looks uncomfortable.  Because a dad who will let you baby-sit in a stranger’s house is totally not going to let you ride your bike around the same neighborhood because….?  Kristy says the club needs a symbol and asks Claudia to create one.  Claudia widens the plot hole by acting unsure about her ability to do so because she sucks so hard at art.

“I know I can draw, but I’m not good at…symbols and stuff.  Janine’s better at those things” (Claudia)

I’m sorry, but WHUT?  Janine?  NERD?  The one you all hate and try to avoid at all costs?  That’s who you think we should be asking for help?

Then Claudia and her hat come up with a logo and they all gasp in awe at the complexity of her design.

Screen Shot 2014-03-23 at 5.03.35 PMTo be fair, those 3-d boxes are a bitch to draw.  I know, I tried.  You know you did too.

Chapter 5

On Saturday, the girls call all the families they baby-sit for and place an ad in a newspaper.  If Elanor or Rhi ever read this book, there is so much I’m going to have to explain like physical newspapers, why they didn’t do an email blast, and just what a stationary telephone is. Apparently in the 90’s there was a reboot of the books, trying to update the books to hip things those newfangled children can understand–cassettes become headphones and such.  Which was the worst idea ever, and thankfully it died a quick death.  In the 2000’s they did graphic novels of books 1, 3, 4 and 7  that also died a quick death, but have at least made for some great illustrations for my snark.

Stacey suggests they should have officers.  Kristy is elected President because it was her idea (and they all know that the hell she’d put them through if she isn’t President just isn’t worth it).  Claudia gets VP because it’s her room and her phone.  Mary Anne gets Secretary because she has neat handwriting.  Stacey gets Treasurer because she’s good with Math and money, teaching us all that you can be good at Math as long as you’re pretty.

Claudia gets out Gummi Bears because it’s been at least five minutes and she’s jonesing for her next sugar high (Claudia is going to smoke hella weed at art school) and Stacey runs out of the room because even looking at candy is bad (bad enough that she needs to inject some insulin, apparently).

They create the flyer.  Kristy says her mom will copy it for them on Monday.  Her mom will absolutely want to help her out after Kristy refused to do her a solid by babysitting Watson’s kids back in Chapter 2.

Speaking of Watson, Kristy has to go home so her mom can go out on her hot date.  Stacey asks who Watson is.  Kristy explains, noting that her parents are divorced.  Stacey looks uncomfortable, but shares that her parents have been married for 15 years (raise your hand if you can smell the foreshadowing).  Claudia outdoes her because her parents have been married twenty years–Asian’s don’t get divorced because divorce is a Western problem.  Mary Anne reminds us that her Mom is Dead Dead Dead.

Watson arrives.  David Michael is super excited to see him.  Mrs. Thomas yells at Kristy to come down and act like a human being who can be polite for five seconds. Mrs. Thomas clearly cherishes some illusions about Kristy.

Kristy trudges downstairs as if she’s about to face the firing squad.

SURPRISE!  Watson has brought over Chinese Takeout!  They’re all going to eat together!  Isn’t that exciting?!

Kristy is annoyed that Watson is always bringing food over, as if he wants to develop a relationship with Mrs. Thomas’ kids instead of just taking their mom to a cheap hotel for a quick bang like a normal man.  Kristy pointedly asks who’s watching his kids, and Watson says he found a nice baby-sitter (could this be where the mysterious Kathy has disappeared to?)  We find out that Sam and Charlie also like Watson, who seems like a decent guy.  Charlie eats, but notes that he’s taking his girlfriend Carole (who I’m pretty sure we never hear from again because the BSC needs a hot older brother or two to crush on from time to time) later.  But he’s a boy, which means he can eat second dinner and seventh dinner on any given night.

Kristy decides to be a bitch and asks her mom if they have leftover chili.  She’s not going to eat Watson’s charity Chinese food!  What if he put drugs into it that would turn her into a nice person?  (Seriously, why is she who I wanted to be when I was a kid?  I have to imagine it’s because she gets a fairly big attitude adjustment in the near future).  Watson looks hurt because DUH.  What does he have to do to get her to give him a chance–tell her he’s a MILLIONAIRE (something we’ll be told multiple times a book in every single book from the reveal until the end of time)?  Kristy confesses to us that she’s starving for Chinese food, but makes a pbj because eating the Chinese food would be equivalent to surrendering Europe to the Nazi’s.

Watson, who is clearly a masochist, tries to ask Kristy about school and her life and gets monosyllabic replies.  Sam gives her a death glare and jumps in to tell Watson about his Math Team meet (another exception to the Math makes you a NERD rule–you can also like Math if you’re a boy).  David Michael shares that he’s getting a new GI Joe.  Watson confesses he doesn’t know much about that cartoon and Kristy implies he’s a deadbeat dad because ALL boys like GI Joe.  Anyone else up for tying Kristy to a chair and playing “Free to Be You and Me?”  She then asks if Karen has a My Little Pony because ALL girls like those, or is he ignorant of those too? Mrs. Thomas demands an apology.  Kristy says her mouth is much to full of delicious PBJ to do that, and is summarily kicked out of the room.

“I’m sorry Watson,” I mumbled.  I walked out the kitchen and started up the stairs.  When I was halfway up, I yelled over my shoulder, “I’m sorry you’re such a terrible father!”

OOH, BURN!

The thing is that Kristy knows she’s being a complete asshole.  She admits that Watson’s actually a good dad.  Especially compared to her absent deadbeat jackass of a dad.  But she’s not going to admit it.  All joking aside, I think that Martin’s portrayal here is actually pretty honest.  My mom was a single mom and I made a point of being as awful as I could to any date I ever met, hoping that the prospect of dealing with me would make them dump my mom.  My mom never did marry, which was actually her choice, but as an adult I feel pretty terrible about being such a brat.  Kristy feels bad for being a brat too, and puts an apology note on her mom’s door.

Dear Mom, I’m sorry I was so rude.  I guess I haven’t learned much about decorum yet.  I hope you had fun on your date.  I love you.  Kristy

DECORUM!  The last gasp of that subplot.

In the morning there’s a note saying “I love you too” from her mom because Mrs. Thomas is the best mom ever.

BSC Kristy WTF face“You expect me to act like a civilized human being, mom? WTF?” (screenshot from the BSC movie)

Chapter 6

Kristy runs home and gapes at their beautiful three line ad in the newspaper.  They’re sure to be drowning in sitting jobs!  Claudia, Kristy and Mary Anne are going to go hang flyers.  Stacey is mysteriously busy. (Note from the future-she’s probably at an endocrinologist appointment because her life is all about baby-sitting, clothes, and diabetes).

Kristy has to check to see if Kathy is there before she can leave.  Kathy is alive!  She’s still baby-sitting David Michael!  For now.

You won’t have a job for much longer if Kristy and the BSC have anything to say about it.  You did cancel that one time, so clearly a group of 12 year olds are a better choice for baby-sitting than a 15 year old.  Cheaper?  LOL—Kristy isn’t the type to give a family discount to her mom.

On Friday the baby-sitters gather early, eagerly waiting for the phone to ring.  Janine is a killjoy as she waxes poetic about whether there should be an apostrophe in babysitters or not.  Why does she have to be so fucking SMART and BORING?  Smart people suck.  Stacey, having learned the fine art of being rude and not giving any fucks about it from her upbringing in NYC, comes through the door and shuts it in Janine’s face.  Score one for that NYC upbringing, amirite BSC?

They watch the clock tick toward 5:30, and Claudia hands around the candy.  NEW GAME-every time Claud hands around the candy, take a shot.  It would explain a lot if that was how Martin and Lerangis got through writing the books.  Also how they came up with some of Claudia/Stacey’s outfits.

5:30.  THE PHONE RINGS!  OMFG!  THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE SO MUCH BANK!

It’s Kristy’s mom.  Kathy can’t come next Wednesday (see, I told you Kathy wouldn’t be around much longer).  As a mom, I’m betting Mrs. T asked Kathy not to come so she could give the BSC a pity job to make them feel like special snowflakes.  I know she’s knows that the phone wasn’t going to ring much that afternoon.  Mary Anne checks the schedule and Stacey and Kristy are available.  Kristy is underwhelmed at the idea of her first BSC job being for her own brother.

Kristy mentions her two older brothers.  Stacey’s eyes bug out of her head–who knew she’d get to meet older brothers on the job?!  She accepts the job and immediately begins shopping for a new older-brother-impressing outfit in her head–maybe something she could pair with neon plastic geometric earrings?

THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN!  Wrong number for a Jim Bartolini.  Oh.

5:42  Some strange lady none of them know called Mrs. McKeever calls for a sitter for Buffy and Pinky.  Look, ladies, I know this is Connecticut in the 80’s, and it’s so preppy that you all shit pink cashmere sweater sets and argyle socks, but maybe something is up with that?  They’re three.  Oh, so they’re twins?  Maybe while Mrs. McKeever is asking you a zillion questions, you could ask one or two more?  Nope?  Yay for Kristy’s first sitting job?  Wow, I hope that hijinks don’t ensue.

TWO MORE CALLS for Jim Bartolini.  Sad face.

5:55.  Mary-Anne is totally ready to leave because this was a total waste of time.  If you don’t have a rip-roaring success in the first meeting ever, then you’ll never have one.  She might as well go back to knitting and dreaming about NEW YORK CITY.

BUT WAIT!   THE PHONE RINGS.

It’s Kristy’s mom again.

I rolled my eyes.  “Mom?” I said.  “Did Kathy back out of her other afternoon, too?  …Oh….Oh…Oh, no.  Not me.  I am not baby-sitting for them.  You know how I feel.  Okay, but hold on…  Watson needs a baby-sitter for his kids again on Saturday morning.  Not tomorrow, but next Saturday,” I told the others.  “I’m not doing it.”

MO-OM, haven’t we covered that I totally hate baby-sitting, which is why I started a baby-sitting club?  Mary-Anne takes the job and asks Kristy if she isn’t the least be curious what Karen and Andrew are like?  Kristy is, but will never ever ever meet them, which will totally derail everything between her mom and Watson.

5:30 THE PHONE RINGS.

“It’s some boy on the phone,” she told us.  “He says his name is Jim Bartolini.  He wants to know if there have been any calls for him.”

Kristy is totally justified in threatening her brother Sam’s life for doing this to them. Kristy goes home and tattles on Sam.  He starts repeating everything she says.  Mrs. T tells him he can’t use the phone for an hour, which seems like a totally legit thing to threaten a teenage boy with since they’re known for being on the phone all the time and we’ve seen Sam on the phone exactly zero times in this book.  Then she sends Kristy to her room.

Mrs. T has had a long day because those are the kind of consequences moms come up with when our head hurts too much and we’re too tired to enforce anything else.

Kristy is thrilled to be sent to her room because Watson is coming over again.

Watson takes Mrs. Thomas out, hopefully for a dinner that includes a big tall glass of wine.

Claudia calls to let Kristy know that Mrs. Newton called for a sitter for Jamie and that she took it since she was free.  Kristy gets emo that Claudia took it, even though it’s her room and her phone and she was free.  Ms. Poutypants goes to bed with Louie the dog at her feet wondering what Buffy and Pinky would be like (FORESHADOWING).

BSC Kristy DollThere were BSC dolls.  I need one RIGHT NOW.  Although-why does Kristy have serious blush and lipstick on?

Chapter 7

Baby-sitting Day!  So exciting!  Kristy arrives at the house, and notices a distinct lack of kid stuff outside for a family with twin three year olds.  Hmmmm….  Mrs. McKeever answers the door and lets Kristy in.  The house is really clean, and full of really nice stuff like glass vases and oriental rugs.  The only sign of kids are baby gates at the kitchen door.  It’s also pretty quiet.  RUN AWAY, KRISTY!  Kristy asks where the twins are.

“Oh, they’re in the laundry room.”

RUN AWAY NOW BEFORE SHE GOES ALL HANNIBAL LECTER ON YOUR ASS!  Then the woman says her name is Mrs. Hargreaves, and she’s Mrs. McKeever’s niece–dude, this is sketchier by the minute, get out NOW.

The job is only going to last a few hours, and Kristy is feeling pretty bad for these poor little kids, so she offers to take them for a walk.  Mrs. Hargreaves is doubtful.

“Are Pinky and Buffy boys or girls?” I asked.

“Well, it doesn’t much matter–”

It doesn’t?

“–but Buffy’s a boy and Pinky’s a girl.”

Kristy is rightfully finally getting the creeps when they reach the Laundry Room door.  Mrs. H warns Kristy that the monsters will knock her over.

The door opens…..Two massive St. Bernards knock Kristy to the ground.  LOL.

Kristy, not being the brightest crayon in the box asks if she has to baby-sit them too.Mrs. H looks at her doubtfully.  Did the dogs of doom concuss her or something?  Or is she just stupid?  Whatevs.  She needs to go.  She zooms through some instructions and leaves Kristy alone with two massive drooling hairballs.

You’ve got to give Kristy credit.  She gamely takes them into the backyard and tries to play fetch with them.  Which works for about five seconds before one of them runs her down and they escape.  She finds them next door where they’ve knocked down some laundry.  Poor Kristy tries to hang the laundry back up while keeping the dogs interested in their footballs and not other people’s yards.  She realizes that no good deed goes unpunished and takes them back inside.At the end of the babysitting job, Kristy decides they should keep a journal of all their sitting jobs so that they could learn from each other’s mistakes.  Like hers.

Screen Shot 2014-03-23 at 7.00.48 PMIt’s all fun and games until there are two of them and they knock you on your ass

Chapter 8

We get our first BSC notebook entry.  This is a bizarre plot device in that it tells you what’s going to happen before it tells you what happened.  These are done in a different handwriting style and voice for each character, and is a nice way to allow someone besides the narrator to speak, if only for a page.  Claudia, whose personality is art, clothes, and sucks at school, will eventually come to write journal entries that border on illegible due to spelling mistakes.  This one isn’t too bad compared to the others that will come in the future (see below).

Apparently Mrs. Newton pulled a dirty trick on the BSC, too.  Instead of it just being Jamie, there were three other kids, which is seriously bullshit.  Kristy is nice about it because it’s not Watson who screwed up, and says that it’s probably because Mrs. Newton has serious pregnancy brain.  To make things more fun, Jamie and Rosie have a private war going, Brenda was just getting over chicken pox (here’s where you know I’ve had two kids-I actually got shocked because pregnant women are supposed to stay the hell away from chicken pox at that stage of pregnancy-it’s a bfd—and then I had to remind myself FICTION), and Rob hated girls including girl baby-sitters.

Claudia is in for a super fun time.The kids proceed to freak the hell out and cry and fight until the adults just throw their hands up and abandon the kids with Claudia.  Because if four adults can’t deal with them, the twelve year old will be TOTALLY FINE.

Rosie began running around and around the room, yelling at the top of her lungs.  She wasn’t yelling words; she was just making noise.  Brenda leaped onto the Newton’s couch and jumped up and down on it as if it were a trampoline.  And Rob turned his fingers into a gun and aimed them at Claudia.  “Pow!  Pow!  Pow-Pow-Pow!  You’re a dead man!…I mean a dead lady!”  Jamie looked on dazedly.

Claudia proves she’s smarter than Kristy who would’ve been screaming louder than the kids.  Claud sits down with Jamie and starts quietly reading to him, ignoring the other kids.  As any parent knows, this will work some large percentage of the time, and one by one the kids came over and quieted down.

Claudia wins at baby-sitting.

bsc claudia entry

 

Part 3 (chapter 9-12) can be found here